But why does the drunkenness of someone else bother me that much? I think this originates from my own personal story of my life. I grew up in a family where hardly ever someone drank alcohol. In fact my father quit drinking before I was born for certain reasons. So there never was this "take one sip" with beer or whatever when I was young so many others had. There simply was no beer in our house. Alcohol was something completely strange to me, but than came puberty and along came the first parties and of course (we were so rebellious!) there was beer and booze and cigarettes and later on weed and stuff. On my first real party almost everyone got drunk within the shortest possible period of time as we all were so unexperienced. They all had drank before even if it had only been the "one sip" mentioned above. I on the other hand was pretty anxious about this stuff. It really was a big overcoming for me to take the first sip of beer. It didn't take long and all alcohol was gone before I had a chance to get drunk and all the others were so relaxed and acting like clowns. When some of us came back with some bottles they hijacked from another party in the same village I flung myself into my destiny at full throttle. I downed two bottles of liqueor and one of sparkling wine within five minutes or less. For about ten minutes I was in seventh heaven but the rest of the night was a complete blackout. I woke up the next noon in a tent that wasn't mine covered with a sleeping bag that wasn't mine and Take That coming out of the stereo next to my head far too loud. The whole sunday (it was a hot one) was a horror. I came home and sat down at my family's dining table and tried to eat. My mother just said "Go brush your teeth! You stink!" And I did and my head ached so bad...

But with this day my way was marked. I was initiated into the circle of cool people, those who drink. And so I drank, at first only on weekends and not even every weekend. I started smoking and tried weed a few times (each try was a full disaster...). I grew older and drinking became a habit. The question "What'up tonight?" in fact always meant "Where will we drink tonight and what excuse will we have?". When watching a video there was always beer and wine around, when playing board games, there was alcohol. The same about soccer matches and punk concerts. Whenever there was a reason, an apology, a possibility to drink we took it. We sometimes used free periods at school to go to Aldi and buy Karlsquell. Sometimes it was that guy Conny from one grade above us who drove us with his Golf but never without taking a sip of Whiskey before. He also came to our Abigag (like squatting school for one day and making a party for all kids and teachers, a tradition at our school...). He waved around with a gas pistol and pissed on himself lying asleep on a couch in the corner. Months later he was witnessed in a shelter for homeless people. I don't know where he is now...

We hung out with heroin junkies. We partied in punk houses where sooner or later someone ODed... One year we had a new year's eve party at the place of one girl and before the next winter she was found dead in a plastic bag in Hamburg. Her body just collapsed. She and a friend once came to a party proud like gods for they got hold of some cocaine and she said "I want to do heroin before I turn 16"... I am not sure she really reached that age...

I never went that far but one day at 22 years I woke up one morning with Xes drawn on my hands of which I did not really remember having them put there. Once again I must have had decided to quit the shit after having come home opening another can of beer, drinking alone as no one wanted to join... I did an online test of the alcoholics anonymous with twelve questions I think (exact numbers aren't that important...). The analysis said that if one had to answer three questions or so with yes, there was a significant posibiltiy for being an alcoholic. I had to say yes ten times... I started calculating and found out that in the past year I had been drinking at least on 360 days... Often only 2-3 beers but still far too much... I had to stop this madness, I had to quit, I had to pull the emergency brakes.

That is why today I am so anti drinking. I cannot allow myself to see anything good about it. I don't want to get back there again, never! I am a dry alcoholic... Please understand that... If you can handle the demon alcohol than congratulations! I can't...

Straight edge doesn't mean I'm better than you. Straight edge means "This is my last fucking chance!"...

[jan]